Adonai Tzhak

I found what I want but he belongs to someone else.

Pretend

When I was in high school, I had a huge crush on the guy who sat in front of me in most of my classes. (Our names went in order alphabetically.) Over those four years I tried many different tactics to get him to like me. He was not amenable to any of them. Finally, sometime in 12th grade I said something to him along the lines of "How do I have to change to get you to like me?"

I can't remember what his response was. I'm sure it wasn't positive. What really surprised me was the responses of my female friends. I was told that I should "never, ever change for a boy."

I have never forgotten that incident and over the years I have tried to follow my friends' advice.

I can't say it has worked all that well.

Over the past year, I have dated (sorry, hung out with) a bunch of different people. The last misadventure ended with me being called the following things:
1. Difficult
2. Complicated
3. Intense
and my favorite number 4: aware of what I want.

I am definitely all of those things and I'm not of the opinion that they are necessarily bad. However, my main issue is that I have difficulty hiding them. When I am...hanging out with someone, I'm not the best at hiding the less attractive aspects of my personality.

I don't play the game.

If I like you, I call you. And if you like me, I want you to call me. Not wait 3 days (or whatever.) I'll let you know that I want to see you. I'll answer your emails right away.

Apparently--this is all wrong. I'm not supposed to call. I'm not supposed to answer emails. I'm supposed to be doing something else when you suggest we go to dinner.

I am supposed to pretend I am someone else. Someone who doesn't like you and is sort of rude.

Perhaps my friends were wrong in high school. What they really meant was "change until you get the boy."

Reading

For some reason, I haven't been able to read books recently. I pick them up, get about half-way through, and put them down. I've tried everything from The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai to Dan Brown's Digital Fortress. Yes, really. They are both on my bedside table at the moment. But I just don't feel...it. That irresistible pull that drives you to finish a novel.

It's probably back to Ursula Le Guin and Tamora Pierce for me.